Monthly musings about the music, culture and history behind the music we play.
Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
Ireland gave the Scots the bagpipes . . .
and they haven't gotten the joke yet.
Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
This octopus walks into a bar and orders a Corona. "That'll be two bucks," says the bartender. So the octopus pays up and says "Will you give me fifty bucks if I can play any instrument you name? "Sure," says the bartender, "go play that piano." So the octopus goes to the piano, sits down, and out comes Van Cliburn, Paderewski, and Liberace all at once. "Damn!" says the bartender, "That's amazing!" And he pays up the fifty bucks.
Another guy at the bar pulls out a trumpet and says "Play this for fifty." So the octopus starts playing it, and it sounds just like Doc Severinson and Louie Armstrong all at once. And another guy pulls out a guitar, the octopus plays it, and Les Paul, Mary Ford and Andres Segovia are all right there in the music.
Finally a Scot, in full kilt, walks in and he says "Aye laddie, I'll wager ye cannae play these pipes. So the octopus picks up the pipes, twists them this way and that, looks at the plaid bagskirt, holds them up in the light, and finally puts them down on the barstool next to him while he used six of his eight arms to scratch his head. "Ha!" said the Scot, "Ye canne play them and I win!"
"Play, hell!" said the octopus, "I wanna have sex with it if I can get its pajamas off...!"
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.
Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.